12.23.09

Well I did it again. With a playlist. As it turns out I added some TERRIBLE songs. How can I know? Am I supposed to sit and listen to each one, all the way through? The way I judge a song is by the first few seconds. If that sounds good, it's good. And now I'm left with some awful music, permanently sealed into my blogging history. Like some of the men in my life. Maybe it's time I look past the first few seconds. Or in my case, days. Well I did give it a few weeks actually. No, altogether it was a few months, but only a few weeks in real life. As it turns out, that is not enough time to make a proper judgement. How could I have? The sand! The sun! The waves, the bars, the pool tables, and the homeless people! Who could have resisted such a thing?

It was only after I came home to pack my things that I found out some realities. You know, over the phone. Once the alcohol cleared from my system. I always say, my clarity and my senses come and go like the tide, or the phases of the moon. Or the clouds in the sky. Here one day, gone the next. So as my clarity came to me, it dawned on me to ask some questions. Things I never thought to ask beforehand.

I think I'm a fairly open-minded person. I don't go out with a guy based on the typical things. I try to look past things and even under things. Maybe because I have always wanted a guy to do that with me. So I overlook all I can and give people the benefit of the doubt. I trust. I take the information they offer, and think, that's all I need to know.

After all I have experienced "romantically", for all my horror stories and lessons learned, you would think I would be smarter because of it. As it turns out, I am just as gullible as ever before, and I honestly believe that my brain's current state has something to do with it. I'm beginning to think I might be... a little slow. Slow to put the pieces together, slow to bring little bits of information that come to me here & there all together to form the main idea in my head. Information is like butterflies that flutter around me- one minute, this fact is before me, I see it, I get it- then it flies away, and I forget it. The next day another butterfly will appear in front of me, informing me of something, waving a tiny red flag, and I see it, and understand it... and then I forget it. Clues come to me but I can't catch any of them. Looking back, nothing was really hidden. I just didn't see the big picture until it was too late.
The snake that was hiding behind the white rocks... it was there for me to see, but I chose to close my eyes and stay asleep. I didn't want to see the snake, or the white rocks. Or the destruction they bring and the chaos they hide.

My right arm and my right leg are partially numb now. I'm walking like a pirate with a wooden leg. It's strange, my body has somehow adapted to having a weak leg. My limp looks different. Somehow I compensated and I walk different with it now. I think it happened while working, and the limping would come on, and I made extra effort to hide it. I'd up my pace and make the effort to walk normal, when I was almost out of breath just to do it. I was working at a large store, and the backstock to my department was clear across on the other end. I was on my feet the entire time, making quick trips back and forth to get product, etc. When I would get weak, I'd down an energy drink and just get wired to make it through my shift.

My right leg is numb in two places, and stiff. There's no pain, other than the occasional stabs here & there. It feels like it's not my leg sometimes. I stagger when I get dressed. Usually when I'm putting on my jeans. It never goes well. The bottom of both feet are numb. I'm twitching all over like a fish. Do fish twitch? What am I thinking of? Something twitches.

I'm staying home for the holidays. When I feel this way I'm not even comfortable around my own family, except for my mom and my daughter. It's still embarassing. It's almost 10 pm and I'm just now thinking clearly today. It's taken me this long to wake up today. Nothing I do helps. I abandoned tea for coffee again, I'm desperate to have energy, but even the coffee isn't helping. But I drink it anyway.

I catch myself doing strange things. After the fact. And I'm like, when did I do that? Or, how did that get there? For example, this morning, my little coaster for my coffee cup was sitting in my corn plant. Laying there, on the dirt, among the rocks. I just looked at it, wondering, how on earth did that get there? Did I put it there? Then I remembered, I watered my plant and picked up my coffee cup, and noticed the coaster needed to be rinsed off. (You know how coasters develop that brown ring over time, of coffee moments gone by...) And that's that. Apparently, the coaster never got rinsed. But the plant got watered. Somehow, in this trivial activity, the coaster ended up as a decoration in the plant. I don't know. And that's just one example. I am beginning to think I'm turning into a senile old man. My memory has gotten worse. My thoughts are more disjointed than ever. But there's one thing I can do, and I do it well- SLEEP. No trouble there, whatsoever. Anywhere, anytime. You name it, I can sleep there.

I'm having so much fun meeting new people who also have issues. I never knew a social networking site could be so wonderful. Finally. For once in my life. It's like myspace for all your problems. They should call it Hospitalspace. Now that's an idea! There could be blogging, and instead of giving kudos you give "pills"! And Tom is a surgeon. And instead of friends, there could be "patients". Wouldn't that be funny?

Why do people continue to take hostages? Do those types of ordeals EVER work out in favor of the hostage-taker? Why do people keep doing that? When's the last time you saw on the news, that all the money they were demanding was given to them, and he left, and went on with his or her life like nothing ever happened? If I were a criminal I would at least try something that might have a chance of working out. The guy on the news today was in a wheelchair and claimed to have a bomb I think. Did he even think it through? What if everyone gave him what he was asking for? Then what? Was he going to roll away? What kind of getaway is that?

I'm losing weight again. My hair is chopped off short. Don't ask me why. I have no idea. I was growing it back out, then changed my mind. My car is expired on the inspection and failed also. The man showed me the emissions testing report, apparently my car failed miserably. They ran the test 3 times he said, in hopes of it passing. I can't afford the repairs so I'm going to sell it and start over, after I regroup again. Each time I fall, I flail about in misery, then pull it together and start all over. I'm thinking I need a better way to be, if I'm that weak that I fall through each time I'm hit. Each time this comes on me, my whole world comes crashing down, including my job. I need a better foundation. I'm going to do this right.

3 years of this is enough. 3 years of wrestling with it, crying over it, experimenting with it, guessing about the outcome, etc etc. It's enough. I'm turning myself back over to the doctors and I'm going to accept that as part of my life, not something I need to get over, or escape. This is what it's come to. It's been 3 years and it's still with me.

All things considered, I think I have coped with this quite well. I've been cheerful. Creative. Positive and strong. I'm happy about the way I've dealt with it. Something I just learned (from Hospitalspace) (you know I just made that up) (just so you don't think I invented some ficticious thing) ...something I just learned, you should not have SHAME or GUILT when you have an illness or a condition. There's nothing wrong with it, and you didn't do anything wrong to get it. I didn't realize I was harboring negative thoughts and beliefs about it, but I was. Still am, but learning to get past that. I'm not going to be embarrassed about anything. Yes I will get over being self conscious when I limp. I'm working on it. Also, if my leg does end up totally stiff and numb, I will find the cutest crutch thing ever. Not a cane. But something else that you can use if you have to. I won't be looking like an old lady at all.

What on earth is happening to me? Something tells me, a whole new life has just begun. I'm ready to do this.