12.25.09

I'm taking responsibility for the quality of my life.

Just wanted to say that first before it slips out of my head. It's the main idea currently in my mind and it's what I want to write about. I've been taking in a whole lot of excellent information lately. I'm learning a better way of living. I had no idea, but I think I've been starving in other areas of my life (aside from spiritual.)

I listened to a sermon today on that topic. I'm cutting the cord in so many aspects of my life. I'm cutting loose old ways of being, thinking, and doing. I'm cutting loose expectations I place on myself that get me nowhere. I'm giving myself permission to be released from burdens that are not mine to carry, or, those that I cannot carry any longer. It's ok. It's more than ok. If I choose to open my eyes, this could very well be the most wonderful existence imaginable. I mean, it's me here. Me. With MY head. What am I doing being miserable? What a waste! That's going to change.

What I just experienced... where it's sunny and sandy.... is something that I think I needed. I encountered a shell of a life. I saw misery at it's lowest. I witnessed the depths of depression in a human. I saw the chains of addiction. I encountered a fractured mind. I came close, too close. I drew near, closed my eyes, and allowed myself to be touched by a little bit of hell on earth. Why? Why was I deliberately blind? Have I done it again? I see a pattern. In '97 I ran away with danger to compensate for years of feeling imprisoned. Is this what I have done again? There's no other explanation.

Like a sunburned, intoxicated zombie with sand in my hair, I found myself in the courthouse. I bonded myself to chaos.

It's no loss to me, all things considered. I can handle this. A wake-up call that I needed, apparently. I came close to something that is so dark, so void of all joy, so hopeless, so dark. God have mercy and help those who are in need of Your help. But like a pinball hitting a wall and bouncing in the other direction, that's what I am now. HELL NO I will not allow my life to be destroyed by more misery and suffering. I choose life. I choose joy. Freedom. Fulfillment of my desires and goals. Meaning to my everyday life. Rich soil! Who am I to run from my rich soil in my narrow path? Who am I to try to escape? Why?

My life is not a prison. My limitations are only in my head.

How is all of this tying together? The choice to take responsibility for the quality of my life, and having just experienced something that could have completely destroyed me? I'm making connections. I'm figuring it out.