12.30.09 (3)

My whole world is shrinking. My everyday existence is more and more centered not only at home, but in my room. That's sort of a new thing. All this time, since I came here, when I've been at home, I haven't really spent alot of time in my room. But lately, upon waking, it takes me a long time to actually gather the thoughts in my head to get up. Lately I've just been laying there. Today I wondered if I should even get up.

Since I started feeling worse, I find myself holed up in my room for most of the day. I'm so tired that I haven't even gone anywhere, except for riding around with my daughter, and even then I was too tired to go into any stores with her. I actually waited in the car. Like your grandmother who forgot her walker or something. I'm not kidding. I get out of breath when I'm up and around for a while. My heart actually starts pounding. I do try to move around all I can, but lately even when I stretch, I end up hurting. I'm stiff. All over. Not just my legs, but even in my back. My whole body is feeling like it just wants to lock up.

Apparently this is something I can psychologically handle, or else it would not currently be on my plate. I pray daily for energy. But at the same time, God knows I'm tired of fighting it. I have given in on some levels. I have to keep my sanity, and that's hard to do in a situation you feel like you're losing. I need to win. How then shall I do that? I think, by focusing on what this race is truly all about.

In 9 days I go back in to the clinic, and from there a series of appointments will be set, all in all it may take a couple months to get all my latest stats in. Speaking of stats, I amused myself tonight by looking at other people's blogs that are listed in blog directories, and I'm baffled at all the ads on them. Not only that, but what's this new thing people are doing, "blog buttons"? You can make your own? With html code under it and everything? For other people to put on their websites? How annoying! What a relief! There are people out there in the blogosphere doing more obnoxious things than me!

Leah & I took out the entire package of venison last night, within minutes. I'm about to make another package and eat it by myself. The whole thing. Forget chocolate. What I need at the moment is half a mammal.

I just learned yesterday that fractal art is made from math. Leah told me. So it's official. Numbers have taken over the world. I give up.