12.31.09 (2)

Happy New Year!!

I think I better lay it down for a bit before I completely lose myself in this whole thing again. I need to click off for a little while and just watch some movies for a few days. Sanity Insurance. I've really been focusing on important things lately. Facing them. I need to take a break. How does one take a break within a break? Because my life is already "on a break", and now I need to take a break from that. I can't escape or really go anywhere, so I have to click off mentally. I already trashed my latest webcam to prevent me from making any more ridiculous videos (the cat, not the ones with Leah.) It's a constant threat when I'm bored AND have a camera. However I spared my microphone. What a delightful little gem that is. I do think that when my hands forget how to type and/or my brain forgets how to spell (just watch. I'm telling you...) And I decided that I do NOT want to type out things like a trained parakeet with it's beak. I'm thinking I should probably go ahead and dig on in the podcasting world, before I have to. I've already experimented a little bit with that, and I do like it. I might play around some more with it and see if that can be a good outlet for me if and when all I can do is sit like a stagnant toad on a log. Although if my life comes to that I suspect I'll be more of a dreamer than anything else. I can't imagine what all might take place in my head if I'm completely bedridden and comatose.

I know I said I would be consistent with this one, and I have been. I just didn't say for how long.

Happy 2010!

12.31.09

I dreamed there was a plate of venison on the counter that I was about to warm up, so I got a paper towel to cover it, but instead of being covered with one paper towel, it was covered with 3. But not all piled on each other. It was 3 paper towels that were still connected, and the middle one was laying on top of the meat while the other 2 on either side draped on to the counter. I was going to cook it like that.



I sensed in my dream, "Past -- Present -- Future"

The paper towel in the middle was "present", and that's what was covering the meat.


If blogging is a roll of paper towels, then I most certainly covered the past and the future already, and I didn't really know what direction this current blog would take, I just went with it and let it flow, not sure what would come out of me right now. Apparently I'm focused on my everyday reality, the present. However I didn't realize this was "meat". I thought this was more of a side dish. And I was getting ready to warm it up. That's strange, seeing as how my intentions for this one were/are to do nothing but sit here and jot down my everyday details. I'm not pulling any amusing stories out of my past, and my head is not filled with burdensome dreams that I have to report. I really am sitting here, watching the world go by.

A new thing that started happening a few days ago: a sensation of heat that covers a small part of me, like for a few seconds it feels like my left foot is under a hot blowdryer. Or my right hand, or maybe just 2 or 3 fingers, or maybe just my palm.... that's just what it feels like- that a blowdryer is blowing warm air on it, then it goes away. Just one more thing to add to my list that I have to bring with me to the doctor. I have so many new things that weren't with me last year. I think that's what Santa brought me. New symptoms.

Last time I was checked out, my right leg didn't pass the reflex test. The little hammer bonked my left leg, and it jumped out just fine, then it went to my right leg... nothing. Nothing! Not even a tiny kick! The doctor did it again and again and my leg just acted like nothing was going on. I felt it just fine, but my leg didn't care about the hammer. It was funny, the doctor tried every angle and nothing worked.

I miss my friends from work. I think they think I moved off. That's why I quit- I was moving. To be swept off into the sunset by a tornado. But I found out about things and stayed put- but didn't tell anyone, because this with my body all came back and hit me at the same time. I came back from a trip to pack my things, found out stuff, caved in physically and quit my job that I was already scheduled to quit anyway, all within one month. This has been quite a finale to 2009. If you knew what lengths I go to to avoid chaos. And still, I find it. I'm so tired. If the rest of my existence takes place right here, in my bedroom, I will not complain. Maybe it's better that way.

12.30.09 (3)

My whole world is shrinking. My everyday existence is more and more centered not only at home, but in my room. That's sort of a new thing. All this time, since I came here, when I've been at home, I haven't really spent alot of time in my room. But lately, upon waking, it takes me a long time to actually gather the thoughts in my head to get up. Lately I've just been laying there. Today I wondered if I should even get up.

Since I started feeling worse, I find myself holed up in my room for most of the day. I'm so tired that I haven't even gone anywhere, except for riding around with my daughter, and even then I was too tired to go into any stores with her. I actually waited in the car. Like your grandmother who forgot her walker or something. I'm not kidding. I get out of breath when I'm up and around for a while. My heart actually starts pounding. I do try to move around all I can, but lately even when I stretch, I end up hurting. I'm stiff. All over. Not just my legs, but even in my back. My whole body is feeling like it just wants to lock up.

Apparently this is something I can psychologically handle, or else it would not currently be on my plate. I pray daily for energy. But at the same time, God knows I'm tired of fighting it. I have given in on some levels. I have to keep my sanity, and that's hard to do in a situation you feel like you're losing. I need to win. How then shall I do that? I think, by focusing on what this race is truly all about.

In 9 days I go back in to the clinic, and from there a series of appointments will be set, all in all it may take a couple months to get all my latest stats in. Speaking of stats, I amused myself tonight by looking at other people's blogs that are listed in blog directories, and I'm baffled at all the ads on them. Not only that, but what's this new thing people are doing, "blog buttons"? You can make your own? With html code under it and everything? For other people to put on their websites? How annoying! What a relief! There are people out there in the blogosphere doing more obnoxious things than me!

Leah & I took out the entire package of venison last night, within minutes. I'm about to make another package and eat it by myself. The whole thing. Forget chocolate. What I need at the moment is half a mammal.

I just learned yesterday that fractal art is made from math. Leah told me. So it's official. Numbers have taken over the world. I give up.

12.30.09 (2)

12.30.09

12.29.09 (3)

12.29.09 (2)

The Poochie Bear Song

12.29.09

12.28.09 (6)

Seems like cotton. Is that how cotton grows? On stalks?

12.28.09 (5)

Electric night-time city bubbles?

12.28.09 (4)

Dandelions

12.28.09 (3)

Yes? No?

12.28.09 (2)

I just don't see it happening. (figuring out the animation programs.) But I did find a nice watercolor program. What do you think? It's the first thing I've "painted" in A LONG LONG TIME.

12.28.09

I had a brief dream today:

I stepped into what looked like a noose laying on the ground, it was a loop made of rope, and I saw my foot step into it, and just then, a man in a white robe carrying a lantern came up quickly behind me, bent down, and removed the rope from around my foot before I took another step. The man's robe had a hood, his face was covered, but I knew he was a friend and I knew he came and set me free from yet another trap.... or snare.

I know this man was my friend Jesus. But I don't know what this particular trap represents. I do sense it's something current, because He appeared just in time, before I could take another step.
It was dark, and He was carrying a lantern, and it was the light from the lantern that illuminated the rope that was about to ensnare me.

What could it be? Well, I would have to say, take your pick! Jesus, please don't stop watching me on this path.... keep Your lantern close by

*sigh*



I just ate an entire tupperware container full of something my grandmother invented for Christmas. I say invented instead of made. She invents things in the kitchen. If I ever can, I'll make a video/interview of her in her kitchen, cooking. It will blow your mind. She pours liquor over duck as it's cooking in the oven. She makes "lamb with mint jelly", a nightmare on a plate. She makes "Bishops Bread" at Christmas, a fruitcake that makes you regret having tastebuds, and for my step-grandfather she would whip up his favorite, "scrapple", which is a conglomeration of pig scraps. He claims it's what they eat all the time in Maryland, where he's from. Anyway, I just ate her latest Christmas invention, and it was wonderful. Tart cranberries blended with toasted oats and sugar, and some type of unknown fruit slices. Now that's the kind of thing I like. Any type of fruit with oatmeal is so good. I used to get a rice cake, spread it with peanut butter, sprinkle that with sugar, then banana slices, topped with oats. I'd make two of those and take them to school, when I was in community college. That's what I had for lunch every day.

I've been wanting to learn how to do simple animation, so I downloaded a few different programs, none of which I have the slightest idea how to do. I can't even figure out how to draw a straight line on one. And I got the ones that claimed to be the easiest. You open up the drawing page, and there's geometry lines going every which way, and when you try to draw, it creates more complications and you end up very, very confused. Not to mention the color charts. Whatever happened to colors? Now you have to know math to use colors?

I am slowly being squeezed out of every aspect of living on Planet Earth. I'm surprised the basic things like food and water haven't turned on me yet. Or, that my bed doesn't ask for a password before I take a nap. Why is everything so complicated?

12.27.09 (3)

On the subject of friends...

The only way I can understand it myself is, you can't plant a garden when you're traveling. To me, friendships are like flowers, you sow, you water, you enjoy the blooms, you invest your time. My ability to do that well ended when I divorced. Before '97, when I was home with Leah, and married, I had tons of friends, and it was wonderful. I was able to go places, do things, talk on the phone forever. I never intended to go for this long without being in a safe spot. Since my divorce, I've been on the move, facing one struggle after the next, and broke. My friendships have pretty much consisted of my coworkers along the way. I've deliberately let old friends slip away, it's better that way than to stay in touch, but never able to do anything. If I have the time, I don't have the money. If I have the money, I don't have the energy. If I have the energy, I might not have the words or the mental clarity, and if I don't have that, my self-esteem suffers.

People don't understand how hard it's been for me for the past decade to be social. In fact, a good friend of mine who moved to another state recently got so frustrated with me, she basically told me off, and I knew from the sound of her voice that she was cutting me loose. I understood her side better than my own. She was angry that I could never meet up and go anywhere. She was angry that I barely called her. All I could do was agree. She's right. A friendship I was barely able to maintain to begin with, ended with her feelings being hurt. Not what I intended at all. So am I that wrong to deliberately keep people at arm's length? Do you think I'm being selfish when I say, I don't have much to give?

I long for the day that I can be connected to people again, on a regular basis. But I need a different way. I can't try to fit in the generally accepted ways of doing things any more. I'm on a different page. I want and need more people in my life, but there has to be a way of meeting halfway. I don't know what that is just yet.

Another factor to consider, and I'm not asking for sympathy, is the things I said in my service to God over the past few years. It was a duty and an honor and I'm so glad I was able to get all that out. But if you were to take a look at some of the responses, you'd see why I don't open myself up online. I made that mistake already. There was a time when I never knew what type of abuse would be in my inbox. I realize that's to be expected, given the nature of some of the things I spoke about. I'm not surprised. But I'm saying this to remind you, I have every reason to find it easier in this world to just keep to myself. My heart has been hurting on this planet for just a little too long. I accept my reality, but I only have a limited amount of emotional strength. It's amazing that I can trust anybody at all.

Sometimes I keep people at a safe distance because of the God thing with me. I enjoy their company and conversation, but I can tell where they might be spiritually, and I know that when and if they discover what I'm really all about, they'll reject me. Say for example, a friend I may have at work who's gay. We get close, then they discover the things I've said about homosexuality and Christianity. Then, there you have it- conflict and mistrust. Or, I may find myself close to a non-believer. To me it's a non-issue, but tension arises if they know about me and what all I've said. It's frustrating for me, because I long for friendships where I don't have to keep certain parts of myself hidden, just to keep everyone comfortable.

These things I'm mentioning are really old news to me. It's something I've accepted I think. It's a sad way to live, but I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want anyone else to be hurt by me. I do hope my life changes in this area. But I will not discredit myself and pretend to be something I'm not. If that leaves me with just a few people on this planet to have as friends, so be it.

It's strange though. I view my life before I divorced as a safe place to plant flowers, then, a chaotic journey began. Now it seems as if I've entered a quiet place once more. It's safe. I've come to that place, in my head. I do feel that I might have reached a point once more where I can plant some flowers, and I'll be there to enjoy them. I want to sit down on my path. I'm tired of running.

12.27.09

I've just come out of the longest sleeping marathon known to mankind. After feeling so clear and energetic yesterday afternoon... all I know is, I haven't done a thing. I've been sleeping on & off since then. I was awake last night & looked at the time, it was around 3 am, I stood there and stared at the coffee maker, thinking, is it worth it? (waking up.) I chose, no. I was too sleepy. I ended up back in bed. I must have slept for at least ...? hours. Who knows? Starting around 4 in the afternoon yesterday. I'm up now, thanks to another "unknown" number on the phone waking me up. That's all phones are good for- alarms.

My limp is gone and I'm not twitching anymore, but I feel like my head is worse. I think I just had an "attack". A storm? My brain feels worse. My thinking is worse. I really do think that I am becoming slow. I really do. Slower. Dim. In January I get checked out again, starting with the regular doctor, who sends me to the neuro, who sends me elsewhere, wherever he/she deems suitable. I could end up back in for more cognitive testing, or, and I shudder at the thought- back within the bowels of the hospital for another spinal. I know another one is coming. I know it. I feel it. If that's the case, they had better plan on sedating me to Kingdom Come. Or else.

I feel that the spot in my brain has grown, or mushroomed. Somethings different. My brain feels unwell. Something is going on that is not good. I feel it on the left side. I feel it. I don't know if I can feel it physically, but I sense it.

I had another dream last night that blended up the internet with real life. In the dream, I was reading through some papers that came in the mail- it was a printed manual from Yahoo. It was going step-by-step on how to do everything. Then, something else came- it was a patch! To sew on your jacket or something! Like I used to do in high school, tacky patches all over my denim jacket. This patch was a rectangle, with glittery gold thread on it, and it had a display name along with a web address on it! For real. And the name was just something I've used before as a joke, blending my dog's name with my last name(s). And the web address was something I don't think I've ever used before. Isn't that funny? So I was holding the glittery patch, and I suppose I was going to wear it? I don't know. Even in the dream I thought it was funny. So my brain is continuing to fold up virtual concepts with real, physical ones. Next thing you know I'll have a dream about my mom's cat having a myspace or something. Or contacting the maintenance man on Facebook. What has my world come to....

12.26.09

Set me 3, Lord!

I am laughing so hard at myself right now. I was just waking up and thinking about everything, and I felt a rush of joy come over me, and I was thinking of what real freedom might mean to me right now, and I wanted to ask God to give it to me. I began to pray, and meant to say, "set me free!" But instead, what came out was, Lord, set me three!

I'm sitting here cracking up. Even my words come out wrong these days. Also when I talk, sometimes the sentences come out unfinished before it goes to another one. I have no idea what that's all about. I'll be trying to say something, and my thought stays on one track, but my words don't follow the lines, instead they just hop around and do their own thing.

So that's what I'm doing today. Praying for threedom. Or, realizing the threedom that I already have, and thanking God for it.

The cat is watching me type and sit here and laugh. Oh! Guess what. I'm not limping today! And my head is clear. Two cups of coffee, and now I'm wide awake. I feel normal.

12.25.09 (5)

I've been talking to people who are in similiar situations as me, and I'm trying to find out about issues with working. Most people with residual effects from Encephalitis are on disability. I've also learned that Encephalitis is called "the invisible illness" because sometimes it's hard to tell there's anything wrong with the person who has it, unless you talk with them for a while and/or spend a good amount of time with them. I know this to be true. I was able to hide my problems at work just fine. I was there in the evenings only, and only for about 5 hours at a time. It was fast-paced so there was no real time to talk to anyone in deep conversations. I wasn't working one-on-one with anyone. And talking to the customers was easy, although they would come back sometimes and comment on something we talked about days before, like the product they bought, and how much better they feel, and thank you.... and I would just go blank, and nod in agreement, and say you're welcome! When I had no idea what we talked about, or what I talked them into buying. I honestly feel that I could continue to handle a vitamin job if I were not standing up and working out all day. I know a place where I could do that, but it's small, and you work alone, and last time I worked there I was robbed before my very eyes. That, and the Mafia Man incident. If I could be there with someone else all day it would be a piece of cake. I need a bodyguard. Some people on Hospitalspace keep referring to their "caregiver". I want one! But I want a Bodyguard instead. I'd like one of those before a chef, even. A big huge fat man who just quietly watches everything. Black would be best.

So I'm learning that it's a common situation after having your brain infected. I've felt guilty all this time at my on & off again with work issues. And in my case it's not just my brain, it's my body. I wear out. I want to work from home. I do. I'm ready to start looking into that. Also, after talking with others in my boat, I've learned that it's nothing shameful if you need to get on disability. If you've worked all your life and you paid into the system, that money is rightfully yours, if you need it. The moral question is, if you truly need it. People have been trying to talk to me about it since this began, but I haven't been fully convinced I qualify. Even though at times, there's no doubt in my mind that I qualify. But then I feel fine again, and the very thought of getting a check in the mail from the government makes me laugh.

I learned that what they look at when people with neurological issues apply, is the results of the neuropsych testing. Which I had done! The neuro at Parkland referred me to the neuropsychology clinic at UTSouthwestern. I had the whole thing done. A humiliating test. The outcome was that I scored "ok" or "below average" in most areas, but my short term memory was "impaired". It was humiliating. The test actually made me cry. It's shocking to see what parts of your thinking aren't working, and the only way to find out is by testing those areas with puzzles, problems, quizzes, etc. I overlooked that testing and haven't thought of it too much, but now that I'm in this situation again, I'm reconsidering whether or not seeking disablility would be right for me, now. I do know this- I need a better foundation. Like I said before, each time I'm hit, everything falls through, the bills pile up and I have to fall on my family. I end up miserable and heartbroken and feeling worthless. A loss of independence, depression, lack of direction. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm up against a wall. I need a better foundation, my own safety net. So I can catch myself.

I am in the process of regrouping and making important decisions in my life right now. Choices that will affect my daily life, and my future. I never knew which way to go with this before, I was on a boat with no sails. I've decided to start choosing which way it's going to go. I've already got the faith. Now I need the direction and the ambition to do this right. I've learned the hard way, running from it is not an option. Therefore, I'm going through it. But I'm going to do it the right way now. I'm going to get that safety net in place. Then I'm going to figure out something I can do from home for a small income. A real job, not something I came up with. I'm going to stay in the medical system and get tested and what the heck- medicated if needed. I'm going to have a smile on my face and some money in my bank. Oh- and no more driving clunkers that die on me. The next car I get will be newer, and safe.

And that's not all. Last but not least, I want to find me a church.

I have quite a list for New Year's, don't you think? Are you jealous? Don't be. You probably wouldn't be able to handle being me. You have to be a true badass. Sorry.

12.25.09 (4)

I got the best idea last night. A product idea. Imagine this: The Talking Pillow.

Ok. Here's what it is. A pillow, but so much more! It has a small, thin, not-in-the-way-at-all panel built into the side, and on this panel are some buttons. Push one, and it plays all your favorite music that you programmed into it (it's compatable with your computer.) Push another button, and have book selections read to you. I would have the Bible programmed into mine. Another button provides you with sounds of nature. There's volume controls, and a plug-in for a headset, but you don't need the headset, because it's your pillow talking to you, and you're laying down, drifting off to sleep. And there's a timer setting as well. You can tell your Talking Pillow to entertain you for, say, 45 minutes, and then it quietly shuts itself off. I suppose a radio could be one of the buttons as well, but that's no different than going to sleep to your clock radio on your nightstand. Forget the radio. Let your car and your computer have that. My Talking Pillow gives me so much more! Think about it! Is that a great idea? Think of all the nursing home people who would love to get that as a gift! I'm guessing it would be expensive due to all the program files it would have to contain. I'm talking, it hosts an entire library of book selections. And it could keep track of what you've already read, and it knows where to start back up, when you turn it on. You can buy it as-is, and program it yourself, or, order it pre-programmed just the way you like it online. Hey! Isn't that a good business idea? I could run Talking Pillow Headquarters, Inc. !!!! I could create a nocturnal delight for you! You'd have to pay me a pretty penny, though. These pillows don't come cheap.

This makes me wonder, what add-ons can a blanket have? Besides heat. Surely there's something else a blanket can be programmed to do. Maybe not. I think the pillow is the best bet.

If I had a Talking Pillow, I would take napping to a whole new level. I could snuggle in and base my entire existence from the comfort of my bed.

I just woke up a little while ago. I fell asleep and dreamed that I was sleeping. In the dream I rolled off the bed and onto the floor, and while on the floor, woke up and looked at the wall. There was a huge screen on the wall, and all these links were posted, it was like a live screen shot and someone was online, and I could see their activities right there on my wall. It was the size of a wide screen tv.

I woke up and thought, I am spending WAY too much time online right now. So the heck what. That's another thing I give up on. I give in. If the computer is all I have to do right now, so be it.

I've eaten 8 chocolate turtles today, a few bites of fruit, 2 hard boiled eggs, and a small glass of chocolate protein powder. I'm sipping a fancy blend of coffee that my older sister gave me for Christmas and the cat is sitting beside me, watching me. I'm glad I stayed home today. Sometimes, you just have to celebrate your own way. I wanted to be home this Christmas. Right here. I don't know why. Maybe it's all part of my new-found peace with everything. I don't care who is annoyed by my hermitness right now. It's my deal to handle. If being alone gives me clarity and strength, it's what I'm going to do.

12.25.09 (3)

Christmas Day with Leah

12.25.09

I'm taking responsibility for the quality of my life.

Just wanted to say that first before it slips out of my head. It's the main idea currently in my mind and it's what I want to write about. I've been taking in a whole lot of excellent information lately. I'm learning a better way of living. I had no idea, but I think I've been starving in other areas of my life (aside from spiritual.)

I listened to a sermon today on that topic. I'm cutting the cord in so many aspects of my life. I'm cutting loose old ways of being, thinking, and doing. I'm cutting loose expectations I place on myself that get me nowhere. I'm giving myself permission to be released from burdens that are not mine to carry, or, those that I cannot carry any longer. It's ok. It's more than ok. If I choose to open my eyes, this could very well be the most wonderful existence imaginable. I mean, it's me here. Me. With MY head. What am I doing being miserable? What a waste! That's going to change.

What I just experienced... where it's sunny and sandy.... is something that I think I needed. I encountered a shell of a life. I saw misery at it's lowest. I witnessed the depths of depression in a human. I saw the chains of addiction. I encountered a fractured mind. I came close, too close. I drew near, closed my eyes, and allowed myself to be touched by a little bit of hell on earth. Why? Why was I deliberately blind? Have I done it again? I see a pattern. In '97 I ran away with danger to compensate for years of feeling imprisoned. Is this what I have done again? There's no other explanation.

Like a sunburned, intoxicated zombie with sand in my hair, I found myself in the courthouse. I bonded myself to chaos.

It's no loss to me, all things considered. I can handle this. A wake-up call that I needed, apparently. I came close to something that is so dark, so void of all joy, so hopeless, so dark. God have mercy and help those who are in need of Your help. But like a pinball hitting a wall and bouncing in the other direction, that's what I am now. HELL NO I will not allow my life to be destroyed by more misery and suffering. I choose life. I choose joy. Freedom. Fulfillment of my desires and goals. Meaning to my everyday life. Rich soil! Who am I to run from my rich soil in my narrow path? Who am I to try to escape? Why?

My life is not a prison. My limitations are only in my head.

How is all of this tying together? The choice to take responsibility for the quality of my life, and having just experienced something that could have completely destroyed me? I'm making connections. I'm figuring it out.

12.24.09

It's snowing in Dallas!!






...just so you know- I said "my Dad's dandruff" and not "my bad dandruff".

12.23.09

Well I did it again. With a playlist. As it turns out I added some TERRIBLE songs. How can I know? Am I supposed to sit and listen to each one, all the way through? The way I judge a song is by the first few seconds. If that sounds good, it's good. And now I'm left with some awful music, permanently sealed into my blogging history. Like some of the men in my life. Maybe it's time I look past the first few seconds. Or in my case, days. Well I did give it a few weeks actually. No, altogether it was a few months, but only a few weeks in real life. As it turns out, that is not enough time to make a proper judgement. How could I have? The sand! The sun! The waves, the bars, the pool tables, and the homeless people! Who could have resisted such a thing?

It was only after I came home to pack my things that I found out some realities. You know, over the phone. Once the alcohol cleared from my system. I always say, my clarity and my senses come and go like the tide, or the phases of the moon. Or the clouds in the sky. Here one day, gone the next. So as my clarity came to me, it dawned on me to ask some questions. Things I never thought to ask beforehand.

I think I'm a fairly open-minded person. I don't go out with a guy based on the typical things. I try to look past things and even under things. Maybe because I have always wanted a guy to do that with me. So I overlook all I can and give people the benefit of the doubt. I trust. I take the information they offer, and think, that's all I need to know.

After all I have experienced "romantically", for all my horror stories and lessons learned, you would think I would be smarter because of it. As it turns out, I am just as gullible as ever before, and I honestly believe that my brain's current state has something to do with it. I'm beginning to think I might be... a little slow. Slow to put the pieces together, slow to bring little bits of information that come to me here & there all together to form the main idea in my head. Information is like butterflies that flutter around me- one minute, this fact is before me, I see it, I get it- then it flies away, and I forget it. The next day another butterfly will appear in front of me, informing me of something, waving a tiny red flag, and I see it, and understand it... and then I forget it. Clues come to me but I can't catch any of them. Looking back, nothing was really hidden. I just didn't see the big picture until it was too late.
The snake that was hiding behind the white rocks... it was there for me to see, but I chose to close my eyes and stay asleep. I didn't want to see the snake, or the white rocks. Or the destruction they bring and the chaos they hide.

My right arm and my right leg are partially numb now. I'm walking like a pirate with a wooden leg. It's strange, my body has somehow adapted to having a weak leg. My limp looks different. Somehow I compensated and I walk different with it now. I think it happened while working, and the limping would come on, and I made extra effort to hide it. I'd up my pace and make the effort to walk normal, when I was almost out of breath just to do it. I was working at a large store, and the backstock to my department was clear across on the other end. I was on my feet the entire time, making quick trips back and forth to get product, etc. When I would get weak, I'd down an energy drink and just get wired to make it through my shift.

My right leg is numb in two places, and stiff. There's no pain, other than the occasional stabs here & there. It feels like it's not my leg sometimes. I stagger when I get dressed. Usually when I'm putting on my jeans. It never goes well. The bottom of both feet are numb. I'm twitching all over like a fish. Do fish twitch? What am I thinking of? Something twitches.

I'm staying home for the holidays. When I feel this way I'm not even comfortable around my own family, except for my mom and my daughter. It's still embarassing. It's almost 10 pm and I'm just now thinking clearly today. It's taken me this long to wake up today. Nothing I do helps. I abandoned tea for coffee again, I'm desperate to have energy, but even the coffee isn't helping. But I drink it anyway.

I catch myself doing strange things. After the fact. And I'm like, when did I do that? Or, how did that get there? For example, this morning, my little coaster for my coffee cup was sitting in my corn plant. Laying there, on the dirt, among the rocks. I just looked at it, wondering, how on earth did that get there? Did I put it there? Then I remembered, I watered my plant and picked up my coffee cup, and noticed the coaster needed to be rinsed off. (You know how coasters develop that brown ring over time, of coffee moments gone by...) And that's that. Apparently, the coaster never got rinsed. But the plant got watered. Somehow, in this trivial activity, the coaster ended up as a decoration in the plant. I don't know. And that's just one example. I am beginning to think I'm turning into a senile old man. My memory has gotten worse. My thoughts are more disjointed than ever. But there's one thing I can do, and I do it well- SLEEP. No trouble there, whatsoever. Anywhere, anytime. You name it, I can sleep there.

I'm having so much fun meeting new people who also have issues. I never knew a social networking site could be so wonderful. Finally. For once in my life. It's like myspace for all your problems. They should call it Hospitalspace. Now that's an idea! There could be blogging, and instead of giving kudos you give "pills"! And Tom is a surgeon. And instead of friends, there could be "patients". Wouldn't that be funny?

Why do people continue to take hostages? Do those types of ordeals EVER work out in favor of the hostage-taker? Why do people keep doing that? When's the last time you saw on the news, that all the money they were demanding was given to them, and he left, and went on with his or her life like nothing ever happened? If I were a criminal I would at least try something that might have a chance of working out. The guy on the news today was in a wheelchair and claimed to have a bomb I think. Did he even think it through? What if everyone gave him what he was asking for? Then what? Was he going to roll away? What kind of getaway is that?

I'm losing weight again. My hair is chopped off short. Don't ask me why. I have no idea. I was growing it back out, then changed my mind. My car is expired on the inspection and failed also. The man showed me the emissions testing report, apparently my car failed miserably. They ran the test 3 times he said, in hopes of it passing. I can't afford the repairs so I'm going to sell it and start over, after I regroup again. Each time I fall, I flail about in misery, then pull it together and start all over. I'm thinking I need a better way to be, if I'm that weak that I fall through each time I'm hit. Each time this comes on me, my whole world comes crashing down, including my job. I need a better foundation. I'm going to do this right.

3 years of this is enough. 3 years of wrestling with it, crying over it, experimenting with it, guessing about the outcome, etc etc. It's enough. I'm turning myself back over to the doctors and I'm going to accept that as part of my life, not something I need to get over, or escape. This is what it's come to. It's been 3 years and it's still with me.

All things considered, I think I have coped with this quite well. I've been cheerful. Creative. Positive and strong. I'm happy about the way I've dealt with it. Something I just learned (from Hospitalspace) (you know I just made that up) (just so you don't think I invented some ficticious thing) ...something I just learned, you should not have SHAME or GUILT when you have an illness or a condition. There's nothing wrong with it, and you didn't do anything wrong to get it. I didn't realize I was harboring negative thoughts and beliefs about it, but I was. Still am, but learning to get past that. I'm not going to be embarrassed about anything. Yes I will get over being self conscious when I limp. I'm working on it. Also, if my leg does end up totally stiff and numb, I will find the cutest crutch thing ever. Not a cane. But something else that you can use if you have to. I won't be looking like an old lady at all.

What on earth is happening to me? Something tells me, a whole new life has just begun. I'm ready to do this.